A long time ago when you were young and soft and new here you existed without constraint. You cried when you were hungry or cold. You called out when you needed closeness or felt confused. Sometimes you were met with love. And sometimes you weren’t.
At some point you became “too much.” Your easeful aliveness threatened those around you - your parents, teachers, community - so you were called selfish, needy, manipulative. You realized that to be authentic, to act from your aliveness threatened your ability to belong. It threatened your very existence.
Do you remember?
Though we all come to this earthly form with a fervent desire for aliveness, the stakes were too high.
So you unconsciously took the most alive, authentic, wild parts of yourself and tucked them away.
To be extra safe, you guarded them with dragons, should you be tempted to go and retrieve them. “You must safeguard these treasures. Attack anyone who comes here, including me.”
And off you set, back to the world of family and civilization and repressive rules. Dismembered and in pain, but at least bonded into something that could carry you to the time and place when you no longer relied on them.
It hurt, abandoning yourself, not knowing if or when you would ever feel whole again. To cope you acted out in ways that confused those around us. You contorted and numbed yourself with alcohol. In many ways, things didn't look good.
Do you remember that pain?
But though things appeared hopeless outside the cave, your genuine self - your gentle, untamed, vibrant self - never lost hope.
Waiting patiently for your return she collected information - spying on the world around you. Safety fosters curiosity, and your genuine self - your soft, wild, alive self - grew wise to the ways of this world.
And safe she was! For the dragons, so terrifying to those outside the cave, are in fact kind and nurturing once inside. Capable and powerful Shepard’s, they met your inner child’s needs and desires with love, fortitude and delight - all the while protecting her from the cruelty of the modern world.
Listen quietly. Can hear her? Laughing with her own delight, she is calling you. The dragons too are calling, reminding you of what you left behind.
I have made this journey back home to myself and I can tell you this:
It is no small feat to turn back towards the innermost cave. The path is full of dragons there to test you - your courage and commitment, your intentions and your wisdom.
It can be daunting but know this: you don’t need to make this journey alone and unprepared. [In fact it is so much richer when you don't.]
Unlike your childhood - when you were expected to meet challenges with self-reliance, perfectionism and isolation - this journey is rich in supplies, support, connection and purpose.
Unlike your childhood when so many of the challenges laid upon you were the baggage of your caregivers, the traumas of generations past, the dysfunction of a society founded on scarcity - this journey was tailor made for you.
So tell me, can you hear the call?
It is different for everyone.
For some it comes as disappointment - a deep sadness that adult life is dull, or too hard or just meaningless.
For some it comes as anxiety - as a nagging feeling that you don't fit in, that your instincts are so at odds with the world around you that you just can never trust yourself.
For some it comes as anger or rage - a seething sense of injustice - that this world is not enough and f*ck all the people who tell you otherwise.
For some it comes as exhaustion - as a feeling that you just can't keep efforting, can't keep trying harder, can't keep heeding the call to do more when you already are feeling so depleted.
What is that voice deep inside saying to you?
Remember, when you honor the wisdom of your addiction, all things are possible.
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